You've done it yourself, or you've seen it in a movie:

A writer, sitting at a desk, pencils a couple of lines on a piece of paper.  Discouraged, or wanting to completely start somewhere else, he crumples the page into a wad and gives it a toss.

Sometimes, the whole functional edifice of my life collaspes, and I succumb to a state of being not unlike one of those crumbled wads, tossed in the trash.

And sometimes, in life and in film, another scene follows:

"Hmmm?!," the writer intones aloud, tapping a finger to his temple.  He hops down on to his knees and begins rummaging through the wads -- some in the wastebasket; some on the floor.  "Here!," he says to the room, finding the discarded line he's decided to go back to.  He retakes his seat and does his best to flatten the page out again atop his desk, pressing the page out with his hands. "Maybe this can work."

Lately, I'm uncrumpling the state of waste my life has, for some time, fallen into.

note to Dr. ---------

subject line:

life without skin -- a new angle

Dear [Doctor],

Please indulge me for a few minutes, here.

 

Allow me to ask you to recall any of the situations in your own life when you experienced some serious heartache (breakup, death, etc.); some profound embarrassment or anxiety . . . perhaps even a situation where you felt profoundly threatened and your very life was at risk . . . 

 

Please recall when -- for those intense moments, hours, days, or weeks -- you felt deep sadness, grief, shame, fright . . . 

 

We can surmise that, for you as for most people, the "crisis" of those heart-rending moments, hours, and days passed away; the intensity of those situations waned; and you resumed more "ordinary" states of body and mind.  For you, the "crisis" of those situations came and went; arose and fell away.

 

Please entertain this exercise a little longer. 

 

Imagine, now, what your life would be like if that "crisis" did not immediately or soon go away.  Imagine the whole body-mind syndrome of those intense situations persisting, ceaselessly, for hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year, after year, after year.   Imagine being "stuck" in that bio-psychological crisis.  What would your life be like if that lump in your throat did not go away; if those tears welling in your eyes did not stop; if your racing heart did not relax; if shame and fright filled your guts day and night? 

 

Do THAT persistently, chronically for weeks and months on end.  Toss in Life's inevitable, added heartaches, insults, embarrassments, injuries, mistakes, risks . . .  Periodically, CRANK this whole syndrome UP, acutely, to a CRUSHING INTENSITY -- FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON WHATSOEVER!  Sleep this heartache; wake with this heartache; eat your breakfast, lunch, and dinner with this heartache; do this persistent knot of grief, sadness, shame, and fright, all balled together; this chronic agony with acute episodes -- FOR YEARS! 

 

In this imagined scenario, are you getting a little tired and worn out by this?  A little fatigued or bent out of shape by it all?  Figure on being being hospitalized several times, over those years, owing to your utter, complete exhaustion.  Figure on enduring a dozen or more drug trials, over all that time, aimed at abating this ceaseless woe, but to no avail.  And when none of that has helped, then what would you do?  Would you grasp at this therapy (autogenics, neuro-linguistic programming, holotropic breathwork, etc.) or that panacea (fish oil, sam-e, etc.) to find some relief?  Would you undergo electro-convulsive treatments?  Would you wonder, after a decade or more of this, whether or not buprenorphine might help; might "make it stop?"  Would you long for SOMETHING?!, for ANYTHING?!  Would you contemplate suicide?  (They do shoot horses, don't they?)  Would you, more or less, just collaspe and "veg out" in front of your TV, only to wait, and wait some more, for nature's own summary end?  What remedy would you seek, Dr. -------, when no available remedy (namely, antidepressants [including the current medication you are taking -- nudge, nudge, hint, hint], assorted therapies, and ECT) has made any significant, enduring dent in this, your chronic (with acute episodes), unabated state of intense, bio-psychological crisis; this wholely unnecessary suffering; this life without skin? 

 

____________________________________________________________

 

 

Here's a new angle, via Dr. Mark Hyman:

 

http://www.ultrawellness.com/blog/ultramind-solution-cool-inflammation

 

"Can your brain become inflamed? Can you have a sore or swollen brain—like a sore throat—that causes everything from brain fog to dementia to depression to autism?

You brain can become inflamed just as your body does. And in the 21st century, our bodies and brains are on fire. [<< notable analogy to someone, like myself, whose email moniker is manonfyre ~ R.L.]

Today, the fires of inflammation are raging all over the body. That’s why we are seeing an epidemic of diseases including autoimmunity (24 million people), allergy (50 million), and asthma (30 million), as well as cardiovascular disease (60 million), cancer (10 million), and diabetes (14 million). These, it has been recently discovered, are primarily inflammatory conditions.

Now, new research proves that almost all brain problems are connected to or caused by inflammation as well.

Is Depression Caused by a Virus?

Well, it may be.

Researchers recently discovered a new virus called Bornavirus, which is found in the limbic system (or emotional center) of the brain in 30 percent of the population. One in 6 of the people who carry this virus have depression.

This virus inflames the brain. It is this inflammation that leads to depression in some cases.

Interestingly, the problem can be cured by treatment with short-term antiviral medication.

Think about what that means.

A virus can cause inflammation, which leads to depression. Treating the virus can CURE, not just reduce, the symptoms of depression.

Even the best antidepressant drugs don’t cure depression.

And NO amount of psychotherapy will ever cure depression caused by a virus."

 

See too: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bornaviridae, http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borna.html

or google borna virus.

 

What do you make of this?

 

Thank you.

 

[rhobherto/manonfyre]

 

 

p.s.  Of course, there is and always has been the "spiritual" angle -- what Lord Gautama taught: "Life is suffering; desire is the cause of suffering; suffering can end; the Way to that end is the Noble Eight-Fold Path."  Similarly, this ceaseless heart-break is none other than the "Dark Night of the Soul (~ Saint John of the Cross)."  "God forgets God so that God may seek God.," as Muktananda said.  And this heartache is merely the agony of that seeking; the agony of my illusory sense of seperation from "the Beloved (~ Rumi)."  Only "Awakening" to what the Tibetan Dzogchen tradition describes as "the Innate Great Perfection" will avail; only the "Realization" of Advaita Vedanta or Khasmir Shaivism, only tasting "One Taste" (see "smartest-man-on-the-planet" Ken Wilber's work), and NO PILL or therapy, will do.  Notions that may or may not interest you.

______________________________________________


Note to self for having sent this letter, and for publishing it here: I am an irredeemable, whining no-account/derelict/putz.

Another drive-by, flash transmission from the bottomless depths of this ridiculousness (this so-called "refractory depression") . . .

"Can your brain become inflamed? Can you have a sore or swollen brain—like a sore throat—that causes everything from brain fog to dementia to depression to autism?

You brain can become inflamed just as your body does. And in the 21st century, our bodies and brains are on fire."

[head-shaking, double-taking sound effect]

SAY WHAT?  What might this mean to someone who sports the moniker, manonfyre; whose icon is a portrait of self-immolating monk, Quang Duc; whose agonized contact with Life can feel like living without skin?

"Today, the fires of inflammation are raging all over the body. That’s why we are seeing an epidemic of diseases including autoimmunity (24 million people), allergy (50 million), and asthma (30 million), as well as cardiovascular disease (60 million), cancer (10 million), and diabetes (14 million). These, it has been recently discovered, are primarily inflammatory conditions.

Now, new research proves that almost all brain problems are connected to or caused by inflammation as well . . .

Is Depression Caused by a Virus?

Well, it may be.

Researchers recently discovered a new virus called Bornavirus, which is found in the limbic system (or emotional center) of the brain in 30 percent of the population. One in 6 of the people who carry this virus have depression.

This virus inflames the brain. It is this inflammation that leads to depression in some cases.

Interestingly, the problem can be cured by treatment with short-term antiviral medication.

Think about what that means.

A virus can cause inflammation, which leads to depression. Treating the virus can CURE, not just reduce, the symptoms of depression.

Even the best antidepressant drugs don’t cure depression.

And NO amount of psychotherapy will ever cure depression caused by a virus.

This is like the discovery that ulcers are caused by bacteria and not stress. It completely upsets our thinking about mental illness and neurological disease.

And it should!

The cure for your broken brain may not lie in searching through the intricacies of your past, but in healing your body. One of the key ways you do that is by reducing inflammation."

This guy has got my attention.


Together with a friend, and with this workbook, gonna take a stab at following Dr. Hyman's suggestions.  (Make-over, shape-over plan #283.)

(Said friend suggests I spend less time reading Scott Horton and Glenn Greenwald, as well.)

Justice After Bush: Prosecuting an Outlaw Administration, by Scott Horton

I. The Crimes

Americans may wish to avoid what is necessary. We may believe that concerns about presidential lawbreaking are naive. That all presidents commit crimes. We may pretend that George W. Bush and his senior officers could not have committed crimes significantly worse than those of their predecessors. We may fear what it would mean to acknowledge such crimes, much less to punish them. But avoiding this task, simply “moving on,” is not possible.

This administration did more than commit crimes. It waged war against the law itself. It transformed the Justice Department into a vehicle for voter suppression, and it also summarily dismissed the U.S. attorneys who attempted to investigate its wrongdoing. It issued wartime contracts to substandard vendors with inside connections, and it also defunded efforts to police their performance. It spied on church groups and political protesters, and it also introduced a sweeping surveillance program that was so clearly illegal that virtually the entire senior echelon of the Justice Department threatened to (but did not in fact) tender their resignations over it. It waged an illegal and disastrous war, and it did so by falsely representing to Congress and to the American public nearly every piece of intelligence it had on Iraq. And through it all, as if to underscore its contempt for any authority but its own, the administration issued more than a hundred carefully crafted “signing statements” that raised pervasive doubt about whether the president would even accede to bills that he himself had signed into law.

No prior administration has been so systematically or so brazenly lawless. Yet it is no simple matter to prosecute a former president or his senior officers. There is no precedent for such a prosecution, and even if there was, the very breadth and audacity of the administration’s activities would make the process so complex as to defy systems of justice far less fragmented than our own. But that only means choices must be made. Indeed, in weighing the enormity of the administration’s transgressions against the realistic prospect of justice, it is possible to determine not only the crime that calls most clearly for prosecution but also the crime that is most likely to be successfully prosecuted. In both cases, that crime is torture.

[full article]

Harper’s Magazine and The Center on Law and Security at NYU School of Law convened a panel of legal experts to discuss Mr. Horton's article -- After Torture: A Forum on Justice in the Post-Bush Era.  A summary of those proceedings (with further links) can be found here.


TPMtv interview with Scott Horton at forum venue:





related:

Glenn Greenwald's Salon Radio interview: Scott Horton on war crimes prosecutions

Scott Horton's blog: No Comment


____________________________________________________


background:


"The CIA's Favorite Form of Torture," by Mark Benjamin

"The first thing that happens is extraordinary hallucinations akin to mescaline," explained McCoy. "I mean extreme hallucinations" of sight and sound. It is followed, in some cases within just two days, by what McCoy called a "breakdown akin to psychosis."

"Autopsy reports reveal homicides of detainees in U.S. custody," as released by the American Civil Liberties Union

47 year old white male detainee died while in US custody. Cause of death: Blunt Force Injuries and Asphyxia; Manner of Death: Homicide. Autopsy revealed deep bruising of the chest wall, numerous displaced rib fractures, bruising on the lungs, hemorrhage into the mesentery of the small and large intestine. Examination of the neck structures revealed hemorrhage into the strap muscles and fractures of the thyroid cartilage and hyoid bone. History of asphyxia, secondary to occlusion of the oral airway. Pleural and pulmonary adhesions. Hypertensive cardiovascular disease. According to report provided by the US army CID, the detainee was shackled to the top of a doorframe with a gag in his mouth at the time he lost consciousness and became pulseless. The severe blunt force injuries, the hanging position, and the obstruction of the oral cavity with a gag contributed to this individual's death. DOD 00329 refers to this case as "gagged in standing restraint" DOD 003329 refers to this case as "1 blunt force trama and choking; gagged in standing restraint." DOD 003324 refers to this case with a note indicating "Q[uestioned] by OGA [Other Governmental Agency - non-military, often refers to CIA], gagged in standing restraint."

"Deaths of Detainees in the Custody of US Forces in Iraq and Afghanistan From 2002 to 2005," by Scott Allen, MD, et al

. . . 112 cases of death of detainees in United States custody (105 in Iraq, 7 in Afghanistan) during the period from 2002 to early 2005 were identified. Homicide accounted for the largest number of deaths (43) . . .

"Medical Investigations of Homicides of Prisoners of War in Iraq and Afghanistan," by Steven Miles, MD

 

"Command's Responsibility: Detainee Deaths in U.S. Custody in Iraq and Afghanistan," by Human Rights First

 

"Homicide Unpunished," a Washington Post Editorial

ONE OF THE most shocking photographs from the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq shows a grinning guard giving a thumbs-up sign over the bruised corpse of an Iraqi detainee. Subsequent investigation showed that the deceased prisoner, an Iraqi named Manadel al-Jamadi, died of asphyxiation on Nov. 4, 2003: He was tortured to death by Navy SEAL and CIA interrogators who took turns punching and kicking him, then handcuffed his arms behind his back and shackled them to a window five feet above the floor.

"Down a Dark Road," by Richard Leiby

"Murder's torture," Lawrence Wilkerson, a retired Army colonel and former Colin Powell aide, says . . . "Murder's the ultimate torture."

"Senate report links Bush to detainee homicides; media yawns," by Glenn Greenwald

The policies which the Senate Armed Services Committee [in their recent report] unanimously concludes were authorized by Bush, Rumsfeld and several other top Bush officials did not merely lead to "abuse" and humiliating treatment, but are directly -- and unquestionably -- responsible for numerous detainee murders.

"War Crimes," by Scott Horton

How often in our nation’s history has a Congressional Committee published a report which concludes that the President is essentially guilty of war crimes? Only once. It happened last week with the release of the Senate Armed Services Committee report on prisoner abuse. Put a sharper point on it: war crimes that produce the death of a detainee are punishable with the death sentence. And in this case we now have more than one hundred deaths potentially linkable to detainee abuse, linked to the President. Yet to the American mainstream media, which has made virtually no effort to comprehend the report, it was a non-event.

George W. Bush, War Criminal? The Bush Administration’s Liability for 269 War Crimes, by Michael Haas

What about Michael Connell?


SourceWatch entry, Mike Connell; Wikipedia entry, Michael Connell; BradBlog entry, "Where's the MSM Coverage of the Death of Connell, a Top Bush/Rove/GOP Operative?"

Ending Impunity For Rape, by Marianne Mollmann





related:


Nonconsensual Sex  ~ a publication of Family Health International


Stop Violence Against Women ~ an Amnesty International campaign

"I'm scoring 8 different 'scripts from 3 internists, 2 dentists, and an orthopedist! Oh yeah!"

I will be 50 years-old in January, and I've struggled with "depression" most of this time.  First suicide attempt at 17; several subsequent attempts, 2 of which were nearly fatal . . .  numerous hospitalizations and inpatient treatment programs . . . have probably clocked a hundred thousand hours of "suicidal ideation" over the years, including many (virtually everyday) in recent months . . . a dozen or so antidressant regimens, with and without "potentiating" drugs -- most recently, Remeron . . .  13 sessions of ECT (which, on balance, made things worse) . . . autogenics to holotropic breathwork, to orthomolecular psychiatry, to zen, and so much else in between . . . yada, yada, yada.
What follows is the "tip of the spear" in this effort -- a letter to my shrink, Dr. Dilip Rajesh -- a gruduate of Bangalore Medical College.  He is a "resident" psychiatrist-in-training at the local, University of New Mexico hospital where I having been receiving "treatment" for "treatment-resistant" depression (one of life's bitter ironies, that).
I share it here in the hopes that the "magic" of any well-wishers who happen by and ponder this post will contribute to the grace I pray for. 

ˈkwär-ən-tēn

isolation, especially in order to prevent an illness or disease from spreading







peace!

Recent Bush Administration mutterings about an enduring "Status of Forces Agreement" (SOFA) between the US and Iraq, together with the still-pending passage of a new "Oil Law" in Iraq, inspires the following:








FUTURE REAL-SPEAK NEWS FLASH -- CHENEY: "IT’S THE OIL!"

Sweet Crude Victory!

US Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney convened a press conference early this morning on the White House lawn to announce and publish, "Our Open Letter to the World: Yes, Our Sights Were Set Upon Iraq’s Oil." The Vice President was flanked by several, prominent signatories of this newly published "Open Letter," later identified as officials or principal participants from the VP’s Energy Task Force; the Pentagon’s Office of Special Plans; and The White House Iraq Group.

The Vice President began his remarks by announcing what he describes as, "[O]ur true and final victory in Iraq." These remarks referenced the Iraqi government’s passage and ratification, earlier this week, of both it’s new "Oil Law" and the "The Permanent US/Iraq Agreement on Military Cooperation."

"Iraq’s new Oil Law," said the Vice President, "at last codifies all three of our fundamental and hard-won objectives in Iraq." The Vice President also noted "the indispensable and enduring importance" of the new "Permanent Agreement," also recently passed by the Iraqi Parliament. "This Agreement, " said the Vice President, "ensures our ongoing ability to enforce the new legal rights granted to our corporations by Iraq’s Oil Law."

A summary of those "three . . . fundamental" objectives was later spelled out in an "Official Supplementary Press Release" distributed immediately after the news conference, which included the full text of "Our Open Letter to the World." As that "Letter" states, those "fundamental objectives" were: "1) The de-nationalization of Iraq’s oil industry; 2) The expulsion of ‘foreign suitors’ for Iraq’s oil; and 3) The delivery of control over Iraq’s vast oil wealth to ‘our’ oil extraction and oil service corporations."

When asked to comment on the US "victory" in achieving these objectives, the Administration official distributing the "Release" remarked only, "Bub-bye France! Bub-bye Russia! Bub-bye China!"

Soon after the press conference, the Vice President was regaled at a "Victory Luncheon" held within the White House. Of all the hortatory remarks lavished upon VP Cheney, it was a statement read by AEI-fellow, Michael Ledeen that brought all the luncheon’s attendees to their feet:

"Our bombs express only our benevolence. Our DU munitions are tipped with love! Our torture chambers are but workshops of our compassion. Our corporations will now begin to export 'shrink-wrapped pallets of cash' out of Iraq, but will plant in this arid, blood-soaked place the patented seeds of our superior McCivilization. And now that our benevolence and love and compassion have conquered the futile resistance to our goodness, let’s join hands around the smoking rubble, the funeral pyres, and ‘blend with ours your voices in the triumph song!’"

Mr. Ledeen summarily punctuated his statement by shaking his fist in the air and exclaiming, "Victory in Iraq! On to Iran!"

------------------------------------

A "SOFA" agreement, together with the "benchmark" passage of a new "Oil Law" in Iraq, encapsulates the real, yet-unresolved, "mother of all legal battles" still roiling both in Baghdad and our nation's Capitol.

caught this segment on 60 minutes, about these folks, Remote Area Medical.  Tremendous!